Just Hear Me Out Paul… 10 Non Baseball Related Reasons For Paul Skenes to Sign Long Term in Pittsburgh
By Aaron James Sutch
Despite the exciting offseason, we all see it looming down the line; the inevitable day when Paul Skenes has the option of no longer being a Pittsburgh Pirate. I hope it never arrives.
One day I thought to myself, what if I could convince him to stay? Of course he would have no interest in hearing my thoughts on his baseball career. But maybe, just maybe, I could get him to consider signing long term in Pittsburgh for reasons totally unrelated to baseball.
10. Both Pittsburgh and Paul start with a “P”.
I mean come on. Do I really need to do 9 more? Honestly, I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this had never occurred to me before. But YES! They do! What the rest of us mere mortals wouldn’t give for such an astonishing coincidence? Might as well just be called Paulsburgh. Don’t even get me started on the state’s abbreviation.
9. Pittsburgh is baby town.
Not sure what you and Livvy’s plans are but ask Cutch. He just had his fifth. There’s something in the water.
8. The lack of dangerous animals.
You go Northwest you have Grizzly Bears. You go New York you have giant rats and alligators in the sewers. Florida is being overrun by the Asian python crisis. Texas and Southwest? The snakes claim 5 to 6 victims a year. Why risk it? Stay safe here where the local fauna are our friends.
7. Pittsburgh homes have basements.
After seeing that hotdog machine, I knew you were a guy who would appreciate a solid man cave. Good luck doing that in California or Texas; no basements there. Goodbye golf simulators, wet bars, 96 inch 4k TVs, and blackjack tables.
6. They filmed Forrest Gump in Pittsburgh.
Okay, no they didn’t. But we can find out what your favorite movie is and pretend it was filmed here if it wasn’t.
5. Pittsburgh has multiple garbage nights a week.
Let’s face it. Sometimes the garbage piles up and once a week just doesn’t cut it. Your municipality will cover one day, I’ll get the other night of your choosing. I don’t do recycling though.
4. Pogs are making a huge comeback, and it’s starting in the Steel City.
This was a bit before your time, but they were cardboard circles you’d hit with a metal item called a “slammer”. Most people collected and didn’t play. But they are seeing a huge revival here in our city. Don’t you want to be around for that! Very exciting times. It’s like being in Detroit for the Motown era, or Seattle for Grunge. Nevermind, this one was always a long shot.
3. There’s a new terminal at the airport.
Eh, eh. Gotta count for something.
2. Pittsburgh was voted by Priest and Pastors Quarterly as having the best infrastructure for Exorcisms.
God forbid you ever find yourself in the presence of that evil, it would be nice to not have to travel far.
1 The du Toit-Hartley comet will be visible on October 16, 2028 from Pittsburgh.
There’s a 90% chance that Pittsburgh will be the sole location this comet is visible from the ground. Everyone knows you have eyes like a badger so you’ll be able to sneak a peek. This one you dont need special glasses to look at. Not to mention, there’s also something else that could be going on in Pittsburgh in October of 2028 if you stuck around.
